Papa D's Place

A couple of my favorite pals.

THE FRINGE RIDERS RETURN THIS FRIDAY!

Top Ten

I like looking at lists, preferably numbered lists that go from one to ten. Lists shorter than this make me feel like something is being left out and lists longer than thing make me feel like the list-maker is worried about leaving something out. I think that top ten lists are the best lists and here are my Top Ten Reasons why:

I don’t have to take my leather jacket off to write them.
They visit me like a light wind and then they are gone.
Your Aunt loves them, they fill her days when your Uncle is on the road repairing windmills.
You can do them about people you love. For example, Top Ten reasons Truck rules! or Top Ten Reasons I’m nice to Jim.
You can do them about people you hate. For example, Top Ten reasons Sheila Sucks! or Top Ten Reasons Jim isn’t nice to me.
The Wildcard, baby. The thing no one saw coming, the surprise, the what now? Top five lists are too short for these and top hundred lists have too many. Top Ten lists just get one shot at being wild, baby. Blow the wild card and your list dies. Nail the wildcard and your list is interesting for two minutes.
You can read them to your friends on road trips during lulls and spark interesting conversations and debates to pass the time as you speed through the nations dullest freeways. Now you won’t have to think about the sad lives people are leading in the houses you pass because you’ll be debating Sin City’s Top Ten Buffets at 70 miles per hour!
1+0=1.1-0=1. The purpose of the list is to find out who or what is number one.
While #8 could also be true for top hundred, thousand, million, or billion lists, the beauty of the top ten is the speed, I can whip through top ten lists like dark memories from the past! Top hundred lists feel like homework and anything longer than that is torture. Given the choice I would much rather look through ten top ten lists than one top one hundred list. Imagine if Rolling Stone in lieu of doing their Top One Hundred Guitar Players list instead did Top Ten Guitar players, Top Ten Drummers, Top Ten Tuba Players, Top Ten Signers, Top Ten Bassists, Top Ten Roadies, Top Ten Sax Men, Top Ten Hype Men, Top Ten Rockers, Top Ten Jug Players lists. Now, I would skip through all the other drivel that publication prints to look at that!
I can look at the them in the time it takes me to decide I’m not a big banana guy.

On Rejection

Rejection hurts.

Rejection stings.

I take rejection personally.

Rejection makes some people more determined.

Rejection makes me want to steal a horse and ride it to any town in Kansas with a KFC buffet.

That’s how I feel now.

I’ve been rejected.

Craig says I can’t substitute onion rings for fries at no extra cost.

Maybe Craig would let me if I was blonde, but I’m just brown-haired me and Craig has rejected me.

Now I hurt.

Now I sting.

And if the KFC I go to doesn’t accept my free buffet coupon I will flip over a tray, I swear I’ll do it.

From One Lawn Man To Another

Dear Homeowner,

I want to start off by saying that I have long admired your lawn. The grass is never overgrown, always looks healthy, and looks like it could be in a Scott’s commercial.

I rub shoulders with some of the most respected lawn men in the entire world and frequently refer to you as an up-and-comer they should keep an eye on. I have given them all your home address so they can see for themselves and many have been quite impressed, you are on their radar.

That is part of the reason I am writing you this letter. I drive by your house everyday to admire your lawn. I was horrified by what I saw today. Kid’s toys spread across your lawn! So Sloppy! So amateur! First, kids should be taught to put their toys away, if they were my kids I would burn their toys in front of them to show them the consequences of their hideous actions. Second, kids should not, SHOULD NOT, be allowed on the grass at all. They trample it, they kill it, they pull it out just for kicks. Many lawn men feel that a true lawn man should not have kids and many of us don’t. Bearing offspring can only be forgiven if the integrity of the lawn is never compromised. I made the mistake of having a child, but I put him up for adoption after his ball touched my beautiful grass.

I will do anything to protect my lawn and my reputation as a lawn man. I am the most respected name in lawns living today. I have consulted kings, queens, presidents, and enemies of America on how to keep a lawn in pristine condition. My loyalty lies with no nations, only grass.

You may know me as the Mean Man of McDowell Street, a moniker I loathe, but have perhaps earned. I have shot dogs, cats, kids, women, and men for merely attempting to set a foot on my grass. I do not shoot to maim.

My reputation as a lawn man is all I have and all I care about. Which is the main reason I write you today. The sloppiness which you displayed today has become a threat to my milky white reputation. I have endorsed you, I have praised you, and if another lawn man were to see your lawn today it would reflect negatively on me and stain me. I have worked too hard to have my reputation stained by some flash-in-the-pan lawn man who puts the happiness of children before the integrity of their lawn.

Think about what is important to you when you go to sleep tonight. I’m hoping you become a lawn man I admire again.

Sincerely,

Ernie P.

PS- I own three guns, four knives, and a grenade.