I know exactly how burt feels. Exactly.
COME TO THE NEW COMEDY GARAGE LOCATION!!! HOT HOT HOT PLACE!!!! $3 BRU-DAWGS. Spot is mad “chill” ;) ;) ;)
Here’s the flier for our March show!
Look at this flier. Cool cartoons from the past.
Rose and the Majestic Monarch
Rose had always appreciated beauty. That’s why a Monarch butterfly landing at the very picnic table she was sitting at brought her such immense joy.
Its wings were breathtaking, she gasped.
“If there is an US weekly for butterflies, this butterfly must be on the cover a lot,” she thought to herself smiling.
“Secret marriage? In Central America? To a Blue Morpho? You scandalous butterfly,” Rose said to the Monarch.
The Monarch flapped its wings and flew away.
Rose got up and followed the Monarch as it danced through the park like a nimble-footed nymph.
Then the Monarch, perhaps tired from dancing, rested on a white fence post.
Rose killed it gently as to not damage the wings.
She carried it tenderly to her lunch box where she stored it as she sashayed back to work.
When Rose got back to her desk, she opened the lunch box to make sure the Monarch had not been damaged.
It had not.
The bell rang and the middle schoolers flooded the classroom, filling their desks.
The bell rang again.
“Kids, before we start today’s lesson, I want to show you something. I want you all to come to the front and gather around my lunch box. I have something very special to show you.”
As the kids left their desks and began peering into the lunch box Rose said, “It’s a Monarch butterfly. Isn’t it majestic?”
Roommate Wanted
Hi guys, I am seeking a roommate to join me in my spacious 2bd/1br apartment in North Hollywood’s world renowned Arts District. Rent is 650/plus utilities. Parking provided.
Now, a little bit about me, so you know exactly what you’re getting. My name is Devin and I’m a chill dude. I’m 26. I work at Macy’s. I like burning incense and listening to island music, but I am not a stoner. If you smoke the wacky tobacky though, its fine, as you long as you sign a pledge promising that you won’t start doing harder drugs. I’d also prefer it if you weren’t on any prescriptions, because people can get crazy when they go off their meds. I heard a story about a guy who got of his meds one time and tried to kill his roommate with the handle of a broomstick and I was like whoa, I don’t want that happening to me.
The place is fully furnished with couches, TV, and a bean bag chair (you will not be allowed to sit in the bean bag chair. It has formed perfectly to my body and I don’t want ANYBODY to screw it up). I’d also prefer it if you weren’t a woman or have never been a woman. I don’t want to walk out of my bedroom some morning and see dollies on the furniture, that would make me vomit uncontrollably.
I like having people over to the house from time to time for fun times. If you want to ask some of your pals to these its cool, but they will have to leave by 10 unless they have convinced me that they are chill and can be trusted. I’ve had three copies of Miracle lifted from my house and do not want to buy a fifth copy of Miracle (unless they come out with a special edition with sick bonus features). My favorite movie is the inspiring hockey film, Miracle. My Uncle Buzz played on the team and sometimes when I watch it I get so filled with pride that I cry. It was not just an important victory for the Olympic hockey program, it also was an important victory for America, if you don’t know a lot about the cold war era.
I recycle and you should too. I believe that everything in the fridge should be shared, so its kind of like a commune in some ways. Basically, what I want from my roommate is a chill dude who won’t bring drama into my life.
Also, if you are an “artist” do not apply. I don’t want you asking me what I think of your “art” because its probably crap and you’re most likely better off starting on some sort of career path. If you fit my needs and are interested hit me up with a reply and I’ll show you my pad.
Devin
Becoming Friendly
I decided to be friendly today. Be the change I want in the world. I want the world to be friendly, so I must be friendly.
For too long I’ve been grumping around because people aren’t nice and I’m actually making the world grumpier with my negative energy. That stops now. That stops today.
I’ll practice on my shoes.
“Hello, shoes. What a nice tongue you have.”
Haha, tongue. I make myself laugh so hard sometimes. Save that smile. Save that smile for the mirror. Walk to the mirror. Does that smile look creepy or friendly? There is a fine line between creepy and friendly.
I want people to leave their interactions with me and say, “Wow! What a friendly ray of sunshine that guy was! Hot damn, I’m going to be friendly now.” Not, “That guy probably knows a lot about blood rituals.”
My smile is creepy. Smile a bit less.
That is perfect. That is friendly.
Remember that smile. Practice that smile. Muscle Memory. The best golfers in the world have near perfect swings because they practice everyday. I’m going to practice everyday. Practice smiling everyday before I leave the house. I won’t leave the house until I do fifteen friendly smiles in the mirror in a row.
I need more than a smile, I need a look. A look that is ready to be friendly all day and all night. Clean haircut. Face shaved. Shirt tucked. Trousers that fit. Belt buckled. Shoes clean. Teeth brushed and flossed. That’s a well wrapped package of friendly.
I need topics to talk about. Weather. I’ll talk about the weather.
“Nice sun we’re having isn’t it?”
“I heard it’s going to rain tomorrow, but that’s fine, I’ll just take my sponges out and let them play. Haha, that’s a joke, I know sponges are inanimate objects that can’t play. Do you have sponges?”
I’ve got weather down cold. Current events. Better know current events. Everybody wants to talk with a guy who is in the know.
Turn on the idiot box, haha, idiot box. I can’t save all these jokes for myself.
What is going on in news? Old people getting scammed. Man found mutilated. Cruise ship sinking. Impending war.
It’s to dangerous to go outside. I’ll just stay inside and like things on Facebook. That’s friendly.
His name was Ted “Dusty” Patterson. He ran a local hardware store in El Paso, TX. Many buildings in El Paso contain nails from Dusty’s hardware store. He had two beautiful daughters, a handsome son, and a daughter many considered to be quite homely. His wife had run off with Death to live on Mars…
Lunch
He looked in the fridge and all he saw was milk, eggs, and strawberry jam. They’d all expired months ago.
He shut the door to the fridge and looked toward the cupboards. He knew that the only thing residing behind the cupboard’s doors was darkness and dust.
He tapped his shirtless gut thinking about his next move. He looked down at his barred chest which had some hair on it. He hadn’t shaved it for six years. He had weird nipple hair that was longer than his chest hair.
Do I feel like chinese? If I go out I need a shirt.
He walked from the kitchen to his bedroom crossing his living room along the way. Shirts were everywhere in the bedroom. He took stock of all his options as he spun around the room. He grabbed a black t-shirt and stuck his nose to it.
Smells like cigarettes.
He wasn’t a smoker, but he had friends that did. He tossed the black shirt to the ground and picked up a gray construction shirt his ex-girlfriend’s aunt had given him as a Christmas present. He smelled it and put it on.
Greek? Do I feel like Greek? I had gyros yesterday. Gyros two days in a row? Is that bad for you?
He walked to the bathroom and ran his fingers through his hair until he was happy with it.
I said put down the gun! Police!
He shot the mirror with his fingers.
Smoked him. Ham sandwich?
He walked to the living room where his shoes were, grabbed them and sat on the couch.
Burritos? Is it too early for burritos? If I eat a burrito I’m going to nap all day. Do I have anything to accomplish today?
He put his shoes on his feet and began to tie the laces.
I’ve been eating like crap lately. I don’t want to be fat. Would I be funnier if I were fatter? Maybe I should just get a salad. I’m eating alone, so no one will see me.
He grabbed his keys off the coffee table and headed for the door.
Thai? Do I want Thai? I haven’t had it for a while. Let’s get Thai. I can just get Thai delivered.
He turned away from the door and back to the couch. He took his phone out of his pocket and dialed.
“Ya, can I have an order for delivery?”
“319 Elm Sreet.”
“605-677-5474”
“It’s a South Dakota number.”
“No, I live here.”
“I’ll have the chicken pad thai.”
“Oh, can I have a lemonade? Wait, do you have Ice Tea?”
“Can I have an Arnold Palmer? Do you know what that is?”
“Cool.”
“Ya, that’s all.”
“Cash.”
“Cool, thanks.”
He set the phone on the coffee table, took of his shirt, and laid down on the couch. He turned the TV and DVD player on. He pressed play and an episode of The Wire started playing.
A dead body in Hamsterdam? Uh oh.
Ho, Ho, Howdy!
Stampede! with Johnny Pemberton!Spend a hootin’ and hollerin’ holiday night of comedy at December’s Stampede! A rip-roaring raucous wild west revue featuring LA’s top comedians. Hosted by The Fringe Riders: Mustang & Papa D with The Birdman.
12/14/2011
Improv Lab
10pm
Get ready for a real yuletide yukfest, featuring:
Barbara Gray
Cornell Reid
Karl Hess
Johnny Pemberton
As well as the return of special guest Ron Lynch as the infamous Banned Bandit, an outlaw and nemesis of The Fringe Riders, until they found out in October that he was actually their dad! Get ready for a hilarious holiday with The Fringe Riders…or as we could also call them now, The Buchanan Brothers!
Saddle up, Bronco!
